Although getting together with family during the holidays can be fun, old patterns, habits and issues don’t just go away. There is also lot of pressure to make the holidays “perfect”, which is a tall order even if your family isn’t dysfunctional. Being prepared and having realistic expectations can help you find more joy in the season and avoid potential pitfalls that can throw a wrench in your plans. Relationship counseling and these tips can help:
Using the holidays as a time to hash out old grievances or heal old wounds isn’t a good idea. If you have difficulties with certain family members, steer clear of controversial subjects and don’t engage in arguments or drama. If avoiding a reaction feels impossible, walk away and take a few deep breaths. Stick close to people you get along with and lean on people you’re close to if you want to vent or need support.
Hoping that all your family members will act perfectly is setting yourself up for disappointment. Before you venture out for holiday family fun, take a few moments to reflect on your loved ones and prepare yourself to accept them just the way they are. Letting go of expectations may leave you pleasantly surprised. Being ready for the worst can help you stay detached if things go off the rails.
Plan ahead and think about what you’ll do if things become unpleasant. If you’re coming in from out of town, you might want to rent a car so you’re in control of your own transportation. If you have a close friend or family member in the area, talk to them before you go and let them know you might need to spend the night. Knowing that you have options if things go bad can help lessen your anxiety and help you relax while spending time with your family. If you are attending individual or relationship counseling, talk with your therapist about forming an exit strategy before you go.
Watching a favorite holiday movie, playing board games or cards, playing music, singing, sharing holiday memories, and other activities can take everyone’s mind off conflict and help you let off a little steam. If there are kids in attendance, spending time with them may be your best bet when it comes to having fun – young children usually aren’t caught up in dysfunctional family dynamics, so you can relax and be yourself with them.
Remind yourself that this is real life, not a Hallmark Christmas movie. People are imperfect, and that’s okay. Create your own special moments, even if it’s relaxing and enjoying the holiday decorations with a cup of tea after everyone has left. Simply enjoying the moment without expectations can give you a sense of calm and happiness.
Individual or relationship counseling can enable you to process family issues ahead of time and gain perspective on how to deal with dysfunctional family members and situations. If you’re anxious or stressed about the upcoming holidays, talking with a therapist can help. Contact a therapist at Kayenta to schedule an appointment today.
As a parent, you want the best for your children. It can be difficult to see your adult child face disappointment and make mistakes. Your first instinct may be to try and fix things for them or dole out advice, which can often be perceived as criticism. Relationship counseling suggests trying these tips to help you learn positive ways to show support and compassion for your child, and can lead to better communication and a more fulfilling relationship:
Even in casual conversation, being a good listener improves communication. Ask your child about how they’re doing and things that are happening in their life. If they are venting, try not to interject with your own opinions. Let them finish before responding. It can be helpful to offer advice, but before you do, be sure to show empathy and offer statements of encouragement and understanding. Sometimes, what children seek most of all is for you to be on their side.
Because parents want the best for their children, it is normal to want to point out areas in their children’s lives that need improvement. While this usually comes from an honest desire to be helpful, it can actually have the reverse effect and make your child feel incompetent and judged. When speaking with your child, a helpful tactic is to ask yourself, “How can my words be helpful? Will what I’m about to say positively impact the situation?” Even if you think your child is making a poor choice, try to express your concern without sounding bossy or condescending.
Although it is good to be honest with your child, keep in mind, children are constantly seeking the approval of their parents. Therefore, it’s important to be extra mindful of your delivery. Remember, it’s less about what you say than how you say it.
However, we all say things that come out in a way we don’t intend sometimes. If you’ve unintentionally upset someone with a remark or unsolicited advice, the best thing to do is apologize. Do your best not to make excuses or become defensive, as that can escalate the situation and cause your child to feel like they’re not being heard or their feelings don’t matter.
When your child was little, they were dependent on you for almost everything, which makes many parents feel loved and needed. As children grow, they become more independent, meaning your relationship with your child will change. Even though they may not rely on you for everything anymore, a healthy relationship with an adult child can be just as fulfilling in a different way.
Learning to let go and maintain healthy boundaries is key to a positive relationship. Even though you’ll always be their parent, it’s important to treat your adult child as an equal by valuing their opinions and allowing them to make their own choices. Give them space to come to you.
It can be easy to assume your child knows you love them and are proud of them, but that isn’t always so. Saying these things out loud allows your child to feel you believe in them and their abilities to handle challenges, which gives them a stronger sense of confidence. If they are facing a challenge, let them know you believe they can handle it by offering positive reinforcement.
If you’re struggling with how to communicate with your adult child, relationship counseling at Kayenta Therapy can give you the tools you need to become a positive influencer in their life. Contact a therapist directly to schedule a session today.
